People Pleaser

Are you a people pleaser? There are so many people out there that are people pleasers and trust me when I say from my own experience as a people pleaser, it is exhausting! 

Let’s look at some of the traits of being a people pleaser.

• You have a hard time saying “No” to people ever your kids when they demand or request your time, your energy, and even things they want from you.
• You tend to agree on everything. You have such a high fear of not being accepted you will agree on everything even if you really don’t.
• You apologize for everything or worst yet will take the blame for things even if you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you do this to make the conflict stop other times it is just to please the other person.
• Self-care is not in your vocabulary. You have a hard time taking time for yourself.
• You crave validation from everyone, sometimes even strangers.
• If you set boundaries, you have such guilt from it that you will end up giving in especially with your kids.
• There is a feeling of always being anxious, especially when you are around people.
• You have a high fear of rejection
• You secretly resent people for constantly asking you for something.
• You struggle with being genuine. You struggle to be honest with who you truly are to others.
• You are a giver, but this is not the giving out of love and kindheartedness. The goal is acceptance. This is not genuine giving.
• Fear of conflict. Even if the conflict has nothing to do with you, the fear of being around any conflict is high which sends you into either fixer mode or blaming yourself mode.
• You probably are a perfectionist!

These are just a few traits of a People pleaser and yes, I can honestly say I use to have just about every single one of these traits. But I know from experience you can change it. You do not have to put this label on yourself and keep it there. Now I will say I am still working on myself with this one so It is a work in progress.

Let’s take a look at some of the effects of being a people pleaser. 

But let me preference this by saying that wanting to help people out of care, concern, love, affection, and kindness is not a bad thing. This is a trait that more of us should have. This is not the type of helping we are talking about.

So when does it become a problem? 

When you do it for acceptance, affection, or love of the other individual. We parents who are people pleasers have a hard time with this. Because as soon as our child gets angry, upset, or throws tantrums with us we are right there trying to fix it and make them love and accept us again. 

 It is also a problem when you just cannot say “No” and you end up feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. Which can all lead to people taking advantage of you. Then you start to feel burned out which leads to stress. And if you are someone with chronic pain or disabilities, this can lead to even more physical pain from the stress of doing too much or even from worrying. All this stress leads to higher blood pressure and elevated cortisol. Whew! That’s a lot!

So how does one change? 

Well, it is not easy. Let’s just be honest here. It takes time, commitment, and a willingness to remove this label sitting on your forehead that you have had there for most of your life. 

So let me walk through 8 things that you can start today to etch away at that label of People Pleaser.

1. When you are asked to do something and you are ready to say yes ask yourself a few questions.

• Am I saying yes and doing it for the right reasons?
• Will it overtax my mind, body, or time?
• Is this action going to be within my boundaries I have set for myself?
• Do I have the time for this after my needs are met?
• How will it make me feel? Resentful or happy?

2. One of the other things that I have done is set self-care appointments in my calendar. I set Dr. appointments right? So I also set exercise, meditation, reading appointments and try to stick to them as best I can.
3. Remember you do not need to get an opinion from every person in your life. When you need a person’s opinion ask just 1 or 2 people close to you, not everyone.
4. Set boundaries. I mean actually write them down. Write down a list of the things you are currently doing and mark the ones that make you happy and the ones that don’t. Now a job might be in the don’t, so this need to be evaluated and maybe a change of jobs need to happen. Get the picture.
5. Learn to say “No” NOT “I’m sorry but I can’t becasue…” No should never need an explanation.
6. Try scheduling alone time. This is hard if your a parent soconsider  hiring Dad or a babysitter for 1 hour a couple times a week for some quiet time with just you!
7. Be more honest with your feeling with your close friends and family. It is OK. Start out slow, because I know from experience this can be a hard one. Pick 1 person to start being honest with about who you really are and keep adding until it becomes second nature to be YOU!
8. Lastly, if you struggle with chronic pain, disabilities, chronic illness, etc., it is imperative to make yourself a priority. It is important to know just how much time you can give outside of your daily routine and activities and to not go over this. Our broken bodies need a bit more TLC and when we overdue ourselves, even if it is just “sitting” it can really do a number on us physically.

Remember it is OK to say “NO”. People will not hate you for it and those who are currently taking advantage of you will actually come to appreciate you even more. Setting boundaries, especially for us parents, seems hard, but once again, kids and people will come to appreciate the fact you are consistant. And If you do say “YES”, make sure it is coming from a loving, caring place and not a want for love or acceptance. 

I’m Kristin Nitz with Big Boned and Broken

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Until next time, Stay Healthy, Stay Happy, and Stay Wise.