My June 1st, 2015, Journal:

Today I get released from rehab. Part of me is really excited but the other part of me is really scared. I’ve appreciated for the first time ever having someone watch over me and make sure I am safe and not getting injured. Not to mention I’ve enjoyed not having to worry about cleaning up the house or cooking dinner or taking care of the kids and my husband right now. I just honestly want to just worry about me. I typically like to put my family first, but it might be time to put me first. But I’m sure all will be fine once I get home and my family will be very helpful.

Tomorrow I have a post-op appointment and then Wednesday my mom gets released from rehab. I’m even more nervous about that. She didn’t sound too good over the phone the last couple of times I talked to her. I miss her so much I can’t wait to see her and tell her how things have been going and just be there for her. We can both take little tiny walks one or two houses together while we both recover. I look forward to recovering with my mom.

My June 3, 2015, Journal:

My mom came home today and she didn’t even recognize me. I knew something was wrong the last couple of times I talked to her she just didn’t sound like herself. OMGsh, what am I going to do? She finally realized it was me but she thought I was the nurse when she first came home. She thought she was still in the hospital. Oh please God, don’t take her away from me not now! I need my mommy!

I feel so down and so depressed and so responsible for this. If only I had not done the hip replacement and waited and just done my job and taken care of her and maybe she’d be better off. How selfish of a daughter can I be?!?!?! I will, for the rest of her life, apologize over and over to her!

A couple of times that we talked she had mentioned that she had to wait for so long to get help to go the bathroom. If she were home with me that would have never happened! This is my fault I know it is! I should have never put her in rehab. I could have waited to get my hip operation till she came home and was better. I am ashamed of myself!

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As I write this, I am remembering how ashamed I felt. I felt as if, without saying, everyone was blaming me for my mom’s condition. Everyone was thinking how selfish I was for not waiting till she got out of the hospital. But I will say, she told me at least 100 times to go ahead with the operation. So did my husband, my mother-in-law, and friends. It truly was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. To truly put me first. To think about myself above anyone else first. Sure I am selfish at times, but my family always comes first when it comes to the medium and big things, so making the decision to go ahead with my total left hip replacement while my mom was in rehab, was not as straightforward as you might think!

Before you ask, the reason my mom was in the hospital was that she hated doctors. She had congestive heart failure for years and high blood pressure as well as she was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis years before. She hated taking meds, but she did take her BP and CHF pills daily. Anyway, her legs had been weeping (expressing liquid) (cringe) for about a month. They started right after her last doctor’s appointment which she did keep to monthly (because of my demanding personally). I kept telling her this was not normal and we absolutely had to go to the doctor. It is my fault. I let it go for three weeks with her refusing until I finally threatened her to call an ambulance if she did not make an appt NOW! I should have threatened earlier. By then it was too late. When we went into the doctor’s office the doctor was emphatic that I take her to the ER NOW. My mom refused in the car, but now I was in control. They immediately admitted her and that was the start of the end for her, especially after she was released to the rehab center!

If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope if you know me personally this gives you insight into what was really going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!