June 16th, 2015 Journal:

Life has to move on. Every time I go into our living room, even though the hospice bed is gone, I see her there. I walk around the house aimlessly looking for her. I go into her bedroom looking for her. I pick up her pajamas and just hold them close to my face because they smell like her. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was terrible hard when my dad died but this? This is ripping my heart out. I want my mommy! I am still not sure how this is ever going to feel better. I still see her face when I close my eyes. I still feel the pain of feeling like I did not do enough. I still feel like I was a horrible daughter. All the times I treated her poorly, all the times, I said harsh words, all the times I ignored her, made her feel bad, walked away, sassed back, or didn’t listen. they are all just ringing through my head. Every last one. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am over consumed with guilt and grief!

But I have to put on a strong and happy face because I had to start physical therapy today twice a week. My physical therapist is really nice. I’m thinking that I will get quite a bit from physical therapy. But the main thing is I must do the exercises at home as well as at the physical therapist. He really stressed that. I know me, I do not want to be a burden any longer than I have to so I will do them daily!

My friends and my choir from church have been bringing meals to us. I just don’t have the energy or the stamina to try to cook a meal, and although he tries, my husband much rather purchases fast-food meals than cook. Honestly, I’m getting tired of eating out! It’s been nice having home-cooked meals and not having to worry about clean up. I know that these feelings of sadness will eventually fade, but honestly, I don’t know if I deserve them to fade! I should have been there!

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As I’m transcribing my journal here on my blog I started crying. It’s years later that I’m transcribing my journal to this blog and yet as I read my journal and type it out here I find myself reliving these horrible feelings. I find myself visualizing the room, the bed, my mom’s face, and even her hand that I held as she passed. Yes, the feelings fade, yes it gets easier, but let’s be honest, we never forget! I still miss my mother and I still want my mommy back! I will say re-writing this and posting it is having a healing effect on me, even though now it has been several years. I also am hoping that if there are people out there feeling the same way that maybe, just maybe they can have a bit of relief knowing they are not alone.

My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!

My June 7th 2015, Journal:

This morning I sat by my mom’s side the entire day. I barely ate or drink anything. My mother-in-law, my kids, my husband begging me to get up and walk, to eat, to drink, but I can’t. I just can’t. I am losing her and I cannot deal with this. I am not hungry, I don’t care about my hip. All I care about is getting my Mom back. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE!

The kids, Anthony, and Maggie are in and out of the living room all throughout the day trying to encourage me as well as visiting with Mommy. I can’t leave her side. I spent weeks in rehab not by her side, at the very least a daughter could do is to hold her hand as she passes away and ascends to be with Jesus. I know she’s going to pass today and I can’t let her do it without me holding her hand. I’m here for you Mommy. I Love you and I am so sorry I was not there for you these past few weeks. But I am here right now. Know you are loved so very much.

The evening has come and unfortunately, my mom has passed away. I was not looking at her, but I felt her squeeze my hand the moment she passed and I yelled out in terror to my family! A scream of physical pain is nothing compared to the scream of losing a person you love with every single inch of your being! But at least I held her hand the entire time. I do have to say it’s amazing how cold and stiff the body gets once the soul has left it. Even after she passed I could not let go of her hand.

I’m physically in pain from sitting all day long. I am parched and exhausted. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep but I have to wait for the Medical Coroner to come so i can sign papers. Plus every time I close my eyes, I see her. Not really her, but the her who just passed. Oh God, will that picture ever go away? I know I should do my physical therapy but I just couldn’t leave her side. I’m an emotional pain because I no longer have my mommy, my rehab partner, the one person who will love me no matter what. I don’t know how I’m going to move on without her. I know time will heal everything, but I want her for another Christmas, another birthday, another milestone in her grandchildren’s lives.

I am so thankful that God kept her here on Earth for five more days. I’m so glad she didn’t pass away while we were both in rehab. I still blame myself though. If only…..

My June 6, 2015, Journal:

My Mom is so bad off. I cannot stop crying. I cannot take of her alone. I don’t know what to do! We finally had to call hospice. I cannot help her in and out of bed nor help her to go to the bathroom without possibly sending myself back to the hospital. My mother-in-law and my husband are doing their best, but it is hard on them as well. This is waaaaay tooooo much to ask of them. She is my Mom and I should be the one to help her. We set up the hospital bed in the living room so she can be around us all the time. Oh My God, I cannot believe this is happening. God, please NO! I cannot face this right now. I am in so much physical pain and now my heart is tearing out of my flippin chest!!!

I’ve spent the entire day sitting in my living room with my mom in her hospice bed holding her hand and talking to her. Shoot I even turned on one of her soap operas! I know that she’s going home to be with God any day now. I still feel so responsible. This morning she was still able to talk to me and tell me how much she loved me but this evening there’s nothing. As I write in my journal I am filled with so much grief. I can hardly see the page. This is not how this was supposed to go! We presumed we were going to get better together. Share a huge life story together. Share the pain of recovery together. And now, all I want to do is crawl into bed again and never come out! She’s not eating or drinking and she’s somewhat unresponsive to my words. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her! Oh My God, I cannot see straight! I cannot do this. She is the only person who has ever been there for me for my whole life through all the abuse I took from my sister, the kids at school, molestation, and rape. Please God, Please make a miracle happen and give me my Mom back, PLEASE!!!!

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Wow, this was horrible to read and re-live. I had to actually stop for a little bit because I was sobbing so hard. Boy, I had forgotten the emptiness and the loneliness I felt during these few days coming home from the hospital after my surgery. there was such a feeling of despair and a huge chasm in my gut and heart. I felt like I was the worst daughter on earth. I had let my mom down! I promised her, when we cohabitated, that I would take care of her. I promised her I would never put her in a nursing home. I would be there for her like she had been there for me my entire life even through all the crap I dished out to her in my teenage years! I felt I had let my family down because they were having to do my job of taking care of her. When we moved in together with her I had exclaimed that I would be the one to take care of her. She was my mom, my responsibility and even though sometimes I would need help, I would not let it get in the way of raising my kids. And now, not only are they having to watch her die in front of their little faces, but having to change her, feed her, etc?

These were tough feelings I was dealing with. As a matter of fact, I did spend about 6 hours 1 day during this period in bed because I was so depressed and riddled with guilt I was unable to face my Mom or my family. Reliving these feelings, as I write it on this blog post, was very difficult. I found myself starting to get caught up in the guilt and depression again. So I had to stop and pray. I talked to God for a good 15 minutes and read a few passages and felt so much better and came back to write the ending remarks. I am so glad I did that because I could see myself falling back into those bleak feelings.

If you are going through something like this, please know it is OK to have all those feelings. It is OK, to be down, depressed, sad, etc. But it is NOT OK to stay there. Pray, talk, and work on not wallowing in it. Message me. I will pray with you or talk with you.

My journey does not end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!