My June 7th 2015, Journal:

This morning I sat by my mom’s side the entire day. I barely ate or drink anything. My mother-in-law, my kids, my husband begging me to get up and walk, to eat, to drink, but I can’t. I just can’t. I am losing her and I cannot deal with this. I am not hungry, I don’t care about my hip. All I care about is getting my Mom back. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE!

The kids, Anthony, and Maggie are in and out of the living room all throughout the day trying to encourage me as well as visiting with Mommy. I can’t leave her side. I spent weeks in rehab not by her side, at the very least a daughter could do is to hold her hand as she passes away and ascends to be with Jesus. I know she’s going to pass today and I can’t let her do it without me holding her hand. I’m here for you Mommy. I Love you and I am so sorry I was not there for you these past few weeks. But I am here right now. Know you are loved so very much.

The evening has come and unfortunately, my mom has passed away. I was not looking at her, but I felt her squeeze my hand the moment she passed and I yelled out in terror to my family! A scream of physical pain is nothing compared to the scream of losing a person you love with every single inch of your being! But at least I held her hand the entire time. I do have to say it’s amazing how cold and stiff the body gets once the soul has left it. Even after she passed I could not let go of her hand.

I’m physically in pain from sitting all day long. I am parched and exhausted. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep but I have to wait for the Medical Coroner to come so i can sign papers. Plus every time I close my eyes, I see her. Not really her, but the her who just passed. Oh God, will that picture ever go away? I know I should do my physical therapy but I just couldn’t leave her side. I’m an emotional pain because I no longer have my mommy, my rehab partner, the one person who will love me no matter what. I don’t know how I’m going to move on without her. I know time will heal everything, but I want her for another Christmas, another birthday, another milestone in her grandchildren’s lives.

I am so thankful that God kept her here on Earth for five more days. I’m so glad she didn’t pass away while we were both in rehab. I still blame myself though. If only…..