Misery Loves Company, But Not Me!

Posted on by

My July 27th 2015, Journal

The last two nights have been miserable. I can barely sleep because I cannot move. I feel like I’m dying. Every time I adjust myself during my sleep I wake up because it feels as if someone is taking a hot poker and shoving it into the calf of my right leg all the way down into my ankle and toes. Anthony is sleeping on the couch and he said I am whining all through the night. He can hardly sleep as well. What on earth did I do to deserve this?

He brought my mom’s portable potty seat in the living room because I cannot walk 2 feet less alone all the way to the bathroom. I tried and I almost lost my urine because of the pain of trying to hobble to the bathroom. Man, thank God she had this potty seat. I hate doing this. There is absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I am in the middle of my living room trying to go to the bathroom with the front door just a few feet from me. My living room is open to the remainder of the house. Oh my gosh. This is awful. I cannot shower, I cannot use a sink, my body hurts all over but mostly in my leg and ankle, and I cannot sleep. What the heck? I have never been in so much burning pain.

Tonight is my Mom’s night out with my homeschool group, but the ladies are actually going to come to my house. Okay, that is so nice, but to be honest, I really don’t want them to come over. The house is a mess, I am a stinky unwashed mess, I am in agony and now I have to put on a happy face? I get why they are coming and I really truly appreciate it. It is so sweet. I love these ladies, but I hope someone brings a gun or something and puts me out of my misery. But then again I do want them to come over! Maybe it will help me to smile because I have not smiled once in several days and hardly smiled since my Mom passed away just a few short days ago. I don’t know what I want! I feel so indecisive. My brain and head hurt all the time. I can feel my blood pressure is really high, but I am not taking it because I don’t want to have to worry about that too. But my ears are hot 24/7, and that is my first sign of high BP. BUT, I do know I want my mom! I’m so thankful for my husband and everything that he’s doing for me including clearing out the potty seat sitting next to my bed. But I need my mom! Boy you never know how much you need your mom until you cannot have her! My body hurts, my head hurts, my heart is breaking, and I feel so very down!

I am trying so hard to keep up with my kid’s schooling but I am really struggling to even want to read to them or even care if they get any work down. It is not fair to them. They are stuck. Maybe I should just give up and send them to school. I don’t know what to do. I am working on a list of things we need to get done, but I just do not have the energy to teach. I know my son is devastated by all this. I can see he is torn apart. He has not smiled once since all of this started. My daughter does not know what to make of it yet. I just can’t believe I’m letting my poor kids down so badly! I feel like a complete failure of a mom!

The mom’s night out went pretty good tonight. Everybody realized that this could not be an extremely long get-together. Most everybody stayed no more than an hour. So I’m thankful for that. They brought me a meal which was great! It was nice seeing them, but it really was hard to put on that happy face and pretend like nothing was wrong. I did it and kept from crying and complaining and talking about it too much! I kept changing the subject to someone else in the room. But I am exhausted now! I just lost my mom, and I am unable to walk, I have no privacy, I cannot do anything for myself, I have to rely on everyone for everything, and I am in an extreme amount of pain. But, I did a good job of not showing how awful I really feel. Gosh, the last thing I want to do is be the one person in the room who is bringing everyone down. They all wanted to talk about it, but I shifted the conversation several times asking everyone else what they are up to or how they are. I do not want to be this burden on everyone or be this downer every time we get together. No, I will just smile and pretend I am fine! I much prefer to deal with pain on my own. I don’t want people to really know how I truly am feeling. They would not enjoy that conversation. They would probably run and hide from me. Nope, I am just fine…NOT!

This is my lovely bathroom sitting in the middle of my living room next to my bed. Did I mention I could not go to the bathroom by myself? I needed help from whoever was available at that moment. Because I could not move my left by myself. I need someone to move it for me and another to help me out of bed!
Yes, my sweet bird, Crackers is helping me eat my lunch. But this picture shows the ace bandage I was talking about. There are 2 small pieces of balsa wood on either side of my foot and then a hefty wrapping of ace bandage that needed to be removed every other day so my skin could be wiped down and aired out. This was excruciatingly horrific! just ignore the bra on the bed! LOL
This is my daughter and my friend’s dog. I mention it in later journal entries. My girlfriend went away for a week to visit her mom in Texas and while all this was going on with me, we babysat her dog. Now it sounds like a bad thing, right? But at this point, all our dogs had passed away so Honey, ended up being a blessing in disguise which you will hear about in upcoming entries.
But I thought I would post this here for a pick-me-up picture!

————————————————————————————————————————-

As I was reading through this portion of my journal I have no words for how much suffering I truly was in. Not just physically but emotionally!

At this point, I did not know that I had pinched a nerve behind my knee. So this is where the searing pain was coming from down my leg. Plus my foot and ankle were still mobile because I had not been casted yet. I was only in a splint with an ace bandage wrapped around it. The swelling had to come down first! So imagine not being cast, broken ankle, severe swelling, and a pinched nerve all wiggling around anytime I moved. Not to mention I was having severe headaches and because I was not moving (or so I thought) my back was starting to hurt.

I mentioned in my journal that it felt like a hot poker in the side of my calf but honestly that’s mild to the pain that I remember! It was awful. As I read it, I could feel the pain all over again. I could feel the agony of wanting to talk about it with everyone, but not wanting to be a burden or a Debbie Downer. Man, what a dummy I was! My friends would have been there for me, but I was too prideful to want to ask for help or an ear! Hey, if you reading this, don’t do that! Not to say that you should be 24/7 talking about your problems and not being a good listener to others, but remember if they are truly your friend or your loved ones, then they should be willing to be there for you and help by either doing or listening or giving a shoulder to cry on. Shoot, I even tried not crying in front of my kids and hubby. To be very honest, no one really knew just how bad it was for me. Maybe a pretty good idea physically, but not mentally. It truly only gets worst from here!

My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!