Tag Archives: Shattered Ankle

Misery Loves Company, But Not Me!

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My July 27th 2015, Journal

The last two nights have been miserable. I can barely sleep because I cannot move. I feel like I’m dying. Every time I adjust myself during my sleep I wake up because it feels as if someone is taking a hot poker and shoving it into the calf of my right leg all the way down into my ankle and toes. Anthony is sleeping on the couch and he said I am whining all through the night. He can hardly sleep as well. What on earth did I do to deserve this?

He brought my mom’s portable potty seat in the living room because I cannot walk 2 feet less alone all the way to the bathroom. I tried and I almost lost my urine because of the pain of trying to hobble to the bathroom. Man, thank God she had this potty seat. I hate doing this. There is absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I am in the middle of my living room trying to go to the bathroom with the front door just a few feet from me. My living room is open to the remainder of the house. Oh my gosh. This is awful. I cannot shower, I cannot use a sink, my body hurts all over but mostly in my leg and ankle, and I cannot sleep. What the heck? I have never been in so much burning pain.

Tonight is my Mom’s night out with my homeschool group, but the ladies are actually going to come to my house. Okay, that is so nice, but to be honest, I really don’t want them to come over. The house is a mess, I am a stinky unwashed mess, I am in agony and now I have to put on a happy face? I get why they are coming and I really truly appreciate it. It is so sweet. I love these ladies, but I hope someone brings a gun or something and puts me out of my misery. But then again I do want them to come over! Maybe it will help me to smile because I have not smiled once in several days and hardly smiled since my Mom passed away just a few short days ago. I don’t know what I want! I feel so indecisive. My brain and head hurt all the time. I can feel my blood pressure is really high, but I am not taking it because I don’t want to have to worry about that too. But my ears are hot 24/7, and that is my first sign of high BP. BUT, I do know I want my mom! I’m so thankful for my husband and everything that he’s doing for me including clearing out the potty seat sitting next to my bed. But I need my mom! Boy you never know how much you need your mom until you cannot have her! My body hurts, my head hurts, my heart is breaking, and I feel so very down!

I am trying so hard to keep up with my kid’s schooling but I am really struggling to even want to read to them or even care if they get any work down. It is not fair to them. They are stuck. Maybe I should just give up and send them to school. I don’t know what to do. I am working on a list of things we need to get done, but I just do not have the energy to teach. I know my son is devastated by all this. I can see he is torn apart. He has not smiled once since all of this started. My daughter does not know what to make of it yet. I just can’t believe I’m letting my poor kids down so badly! I feel like a complete failure of a mom!

The mom’s night out went pretty good tonight. Everybody realized that this could not be an extremely long get-together. Most everybody stayed no more than an hour. So I’m thankful for that. They brought me a meal which was great! It was nice seeing them, but it really was hard to put on that happy face and pretend like nothing was wrong. I did it and kept from crying and complaining and talking about it too much! I kept changing the subject to someone else in the room. But I am exhausted now! I just lost my mom, and I am unable to walk, I have no privacy, I cannot do anything for myself, I have to rely on everyone for everything, and I am in an extreme amount of pain. But, I did a good job of not showing how awful I really feel. Gosh, the last thing I want to do is be the one person in the room who is bringing everyone down. They all wanted to talk about it, but I shifted the conversation several times asking everyone else what they are up to or how they are. I do not want to be this burden on everyone or be this downer every time we get together. No, I will just smile and pretend I am fine! I much prefer to deal with pain on my own. I don’t want people to really know how I truly am feeling. They would not enjoy that conversation. They would probably run and hide from me. Nope, I am just fine…NOT!

This is my lovely bathroom sitting in the middle of my living room next to my bed. Did I mention I could not go to the bathroom by myself? I needed help from whoever was available at that moment. Because I could not move my left by myself. I need someone to move it for me and another to help me out of bed!
Yes, my sweet bird, Crackers is helping me eat my lunch. But this picture shows the ace bandage I was talking about. There are 2 small pieces of balsa wood on either side of my foot and then a hefty wrapping of ace bandage that needed to be removed every other day so my skin could be wiped down and aired out. This was excruciatingly horrific! just ignore the bra on the bed! LOL
This is my daughter and my friend’s dog. I mention it in later journal entries. My girlfriend went away for a week to visit her mom in Texas and while all this was going on with me, we babysat her dog. Now it sounds like a bad thing, right? But at this point, all our dogs had passed away so Honey, ended up being a blessing in disguise which you will hear about in upcoming entries.
But I thought I would post this here for a pick-me-up picture!

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As I was reading through this portion of my journal I have no words for how much suffering I truly was in. Not just physically but emotionally!

At this point, I did not know that I had pinched a nerve behind my knee. So this is where the searing pain was coming from down my leg. Plus my foot and ankle were still mobile because I had not been casted yet. I was only in a splint with an ace bandage wrapped around it. The swelling had to come down first! So imagine not being cast, broken ankle, severe swelling, and a pinched nerve all wiggling around anytime I moved. Not to mention I was having severe headaches and because I was not moving (or so I thought) my back was starting to hurt.

I mentioned in my journal that it felt like a hot poker in the side of my calf but honestly that’s mild to the pain that I remember! It was awful. As I read it, I could feel the pain all over again. I could feel the agony of wanting to talk about it with everyone, but not wanting to be a burden or a Debbie Downer. Man, what a dummy I was! My friends would have been there for me, but I was too prideful to want to ask for help or an ear! Hey, if you reading this, don’t do that! Not to say that you should be 24/7 talking about your problems and not being a good listener to others, but remember if they are truly your friend or your loved ones, then they should be willing to be there for you and help by either doing or listening or giving a shoulder to cry on. Shoot, I even tried not crying in front of my kids and hubby. To be very honest, no one really knew just how bad it was for me. Maybe a pretty good idea physically, but not mentally. It truly only gets worst from here!

My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!

My Life Has Been Forever Change as of Today!

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My July 24, 2015, Journal

I have been having such a hard time since my mom passed away. But now my life has been changed forever! Today is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. Today is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. The stairs are a monster ready to eat me alive! And they did! I can’t believe how stupid I truly am.  All I wanted to do was come downstairs and be with my family and do it on my own. The entire reason that my doctor put me in rehab came true today.

I  was upstairs in my bedroom and felt very lonely and needed some company from my family. Plus I was hungry as well. As I came down the stairs, one of the steps was slightly loose and my sock slipped on the carpeted step, and down I went. The pain was so intense I could barely catch my breath through each of the screams. I don’t even recall seeing my family come to my rescue. But all of a sudden, everybody was surrounding me. My husband, my daughter, and my son. My screams were so loud that my throat was actually hurting as I was screaming. So much for using my singing voice. I don’t know for sure, but my poor family must have thought I was dying. My poor neighbors must have thought someone was killing me. Shoot, it felt like someone was killing me.

You see as I slipped down the stairs I did everything and anything to save my brand new full left hip replacement. As I look back on this, it might have been easier to have the new hip dislocated and replaced it into the socket than what I am going through right now. I grabbed the railing so tight it felt as if I crushed it, but I was moving so fast down the stairs that my hands yanked away from the railing and my right leg tucked under my behind. This would not be that bad, but then my ankle was crushed between the weight of my sudden moving fall and the edge of our open steps. Yes, my ankle sat half on the step and half on the edge of the step as I collapse on top of it.

My husband tried to get my leg from underneath me. But every time he touched me it sent searing pain through my leg and even up into my right hip. It was unbelievable. Of course, my husband called the ambulance and they came as soon as they possibly could be here. I hated the thought of being wheeled away in the ambulance. The emergency technicians asked me to stand up on my good leg so that they could put me on the Gurney, but I couldn’t even stand. It’d taken me the entire time that we waited for them to get my leg from underneath me because the pain was something I had never felt in my life. I had naturally birthed 2 kids and the pain of both of those births together could not compare! I am in so much pain I can barely breathe. My breathing is shallow and I can feel my ears are hot which means my blood pressure is HIGH!

In the emergency room, They didn’t have a room for me at first so I had to sit out in the lobby. After a lot of screaming, crying, and moaning, I think that they must have had some complaints from somebody because they’ve moved me into a room rather quickly. I could barely stand the pain it was so intense and they ended up giving me Dilaudid. Now I had Dilaudid when I was in the hospital for my hip and that stuff normally knocks me out Cold. I am OUT like a light bulb! But this time? No, not this time. This time it didn’t even calm me down. So much so that they came in and had to give me several shots over the course of being there because the pain was so intense. I don’t know what I did to my ankle but if this is what a break feels like, I don’t ever wanna do this again! 

My husband tells me that my kids stayed home because they would not be allowed to be in the emergency room since they are underage and usually in the ER there are only 1 or 2 guests allowed at a time. However, my girlfriend Shannon came as soon as she heard! She stayed with me and Anthony in the emergency room for a little while. I actually do not even remember her leaving I was so out of it with all the drugs they kept pumping in me. I’m so glad she came. Her prayers and her sweet shining face along with my husband holding my hand the entire time really helped to get me through this. One of the nurses who did not speak very good English kept trying to move my foot from side to side. I kept trying to tell her she can’t do that and it was hurting, but she would just look at me with a blank stare. Well, needless to say, she kept doing it and I kept screaming until finally a doctor came in and snapped at the nurse for what she was doing and took over wrapping my ankle.

They said that they could not set my ankle and that all they could do was put a brace and a wrap on it until the swelling went down. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get through the next week or so. The pain that is shooting up my leg is unbearable. I can barely move whatsoever without searing pain. How am I going to go more than a day like this? How am I gonna get upstairs to my bed? How am I going to go to the bathroom? Man, I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring, but today is just about one of the worst days of my life right now. I’m lying here writing this because I can’t sleep due to the pain being so intense. Let’s hope tomorrow brings less pain and less swelling so I can get it casted fast because the little sticks and the ace bandage around my ankle is not cutting it.

On the way home from the ER my husband had a great idea. He and his good friend Jeff unassemble my bed and brought it downstairs into our living room so I don’t have to climb the stairs. Because honestly, I know there is no way I can walk less alone climb a flight of stairs!!!. I’m so thankful for this. Let’s just hope once I get the ankle cast that I don’t find out there is something wrong with my hip too.

_________________________________________________________________________ Wow, as I read this thru a couple times it brought me back to the pain. It is weird how we tend to forget how painful a situation was, kind of like childbirth. On a scale of 1-10 in pain level this day, I was at a 20. I do remember as I laid in that bed and my husband on the couch next to me that first night how I hardly slept. Not only was I in excruciating pain the entire night, even on Percoset. It was a miserable first night, well, and several nights after. I knew then and now that I would never wish any of the things I have gone thru on my worst enemy!

My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!