My June 6, 2015, Journal:

My Mom is so bad off. I cannot stop crying. I cannot take of her alone. I don’t know what to do! We finally had to call hospice. I cannot help her in and out of bed nor help her to go to the bathroom without possibly sending myself back to the hospital. My mother-in-law and my husband are doing their best, but it is hard on them as well. This is waaaaay tooooo much to ask of them. She is my Mom and I should be the one to help her. We set up the hospital bed in the living room so she can be around us all the time. Oh My God, I cannot believe this is happening. God, please NO! I cannot face this right now. I am in so much physical pain and now my heart is tearing out of my flippin chest!!!

I’ve spent the entire day sitting in my living room with my mom in her hospice bed holding her hand and talking to her. Shoot I even turned on one of her soap operas! I know that she’s going home to be with God any day now. I still feel so responsible. This morning she was still able to talk to me and tell me how much she loved me but this evening there’s nothing. As I write in my journal I am filled with so much grief. I can hardly see the page. This is not how this was supposed to go! We presumed we were going to get better together. Share a huge life story together. Share the pain of recovery together. And now, all I want to do is crawl into bed again and never come out! She’s not eating or drinking and she’s somewhat unresponsive to my words. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her! Oh My God, I cannot see straight! I cannot do this. She is the only person who has ever been there for me for my whole life through all the abuse I took from my sister, the kids at school, molestation, and rape. Please God, Please make a miracle happen and give me my Mom back, PLEASE!!!!

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Wow, this was horrible to read and re-live. I had to actually stop for a little bit because I was sobbing so hard. Boy, I had forgotten the emptiness and the loneliness I felt during these few days coming home from the hospital after my surgery. there was such a feeling of despair and a huge chasm in my gut and heart. I felt like I was the worst daughter on earth. I had let my mom down! I promised her, when we cohabitated, that I would take care of her. I promised her I would never put her in a nursing home. I would be there for her like she had been there for me my entire life even through all the crap I dished out to her in my teenage years! I felt I had let my family down because they were having to do my job of taking care of her. When we moved in together with her I had exclaimed that I would be the one to take care of her. She was my mom, my responsibility and even though sometimes I would need help, I would not let it get in the way of raising my kids. And now, not only are they having to watch her die in front of their little faces, but having to change her, feed her, etc?

These were tough feelings I was dealing with. As a matter of fact, I did spend about 6 hours 1 day during this period in bed because I was so depressed and riddled with guilt I was unable to face my Mom or my family. Reliving these feelings, as I write it on this blog post, was very difficult. I found myself starting to get caught up in the guilt and depression again. So I had to stop and pray. I talked to God for a good 15 minutes and read a few passages and felt so much better and came back to write the ending remarks. I am so glad I did that because I could see myself falling back into those bleak feelings.

If you are going through something like this, please know it is OK to have all those feelings. It is OK, to be down, depressed, sad, etc. But it is NOT OK to stay there. Pray, talk, and work on not wallowing in it. Message me. I will pray with you or talk with you.

My journey does not end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said  “I’m Fine”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!