June 16th, 2015 Journal:
Life has to move on. Every time I go into our living room, even though the hospice bed is gone, I see her there. I walk around the house aimlessly looking for her. I go into her bedroom looking for her. I pick up her pajamas and just hold them close to my face because they smell like her. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was terrible hard when my dad died but this? This is ripping my heart out. I want my mommy! I am still not sure how this is ever going to feel better. I still see her face when I close my eyes. I still feel the pain of feeling like I did not do enough. I still feel like I was a horrible daughter. All the times I treated her poorly, all the times, I said harsh words, all the times I ignored her, made her feel bad, walked away, sassed back, or didn’t listen. they are all just ringing through my head. Every last one. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am over consumed with guilt and grief!
But I have to put on a strong and happy face because I had to start physical therapy today twice a week. My physical therapist is really nice. I’m thinking that I will get quite a bit from physical therapy. But the main thing is I must do the exercises at home as well as at the physical therapist. He really stressed that. I know me, I do not want to be a burden any longer than I have to so I will do them daily!
My friends and my choir from church have been bringing meals to us. I just don’t have the energy or the stamina to try to cook a meal, and although he tries, my husband much rather purchases fast-food meals than cook. Honestly, I’m getting tired of eating out! It’s been nice having home-cooked meals and not having to worry about clean up. I know that these feelings of sadness will eventually fade, but honestly, I don’t know if I deserve them to fade! I should have been there!
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As I’m transcribing my journal here on my blog I started crying. It’s years later that I’m transcribing my journal to this blog and yet as I read my journal and type it out here I find myself reliving these horrible feelings. I find myself visualizing the room, the bed, my mom’s face, and even her hand that I held as she passed. Yes, the feelings fade, yes it gets easier, but let’s be honest, we never forget! I still miss my mother and I still want my mommy back! I will say re-writing this and posting it is having a healing effect on me, even though now it has been several years. I also am hoping that if there are people out there feeling the same way that maybe, just maybe they can have a bit of relief knowing they are not alone.
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!