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Category Archives: My Recovery Journal
This is where you can find my journal through my accident and into my recovery. My hope is this give my reader a feeling of empowerment and my family and friends a feeling of what I was truly going through every time I said I was “fine”.
Living with chronic pain is tough. I have been doing it since 2015. It’s not just the physical discomfort; it affects our emotions and moods too. As someone who understands this firsthand, I want to share my thoughts on how chronic pain can change our moods. It’s a conversation that needs more attention, so let’s dive in together.
The Weight of Suffering
You know that feeling when the pain becomes a constant companion? It’s like carrying a heavy burden on our shoulders all the time. It doesn’t just affect our bodies; it seeps into our emotions, making it harder to find happiness and joy. The weight of suffering can cast a shadow over our lives and make it tough to see the brighter side of things.
Battling the Shadows
Chronic pain brings out a whole range of emotions I never expected. Anger, frustration, and resentment become frequent visitors as we struggle with the unfairness of it all. We start questioning why our bodies have turned against us and why our lives have taken this unexpected turn, what we might have done wrong to deserve this pain, and so on. It can feel lonely like no one truly understands what we’re going through.
The Waltz of Depression
Depression often sneaks in when chronic pain is around. The unrelenting nature of the pain chips away at our resilience and leaves us vulnerable to exceptional sadness. We might feel hopeless, and sad, as well as lose interest in the things we used to enjoy. It becomes a tricky dance, trying to find our way forward while darkness looms.
Anxiety’s Grip On Us
Living with chronic pain means living with uncertainty. And that uncertainty can trigger anxiety, wrapping us up in worry and fear. We become anxious about when the next wave of pain will hit or how we’ll cope with it. Due to the pain, we experience, we constantly worry about the places we’re headed, fearing that we might become the party pooper and have the urge to leave or go home. It’s like having a constant companion, making it harder to fully engage in life.
Our Relationships Can be Under Strain
Chronic pain doesn’t just affect us; it affects our relationships with out family and friends as well. Our mood swings, irritability, and inability to participate in activities can strain our connections with loved ones. We crave understanding and support, but sometimes it feels like we’re on our own, feeling disconnected from those we care about.
Living with chronic pain is a daily battle that goes beyond physical discomfort. It affects our moods and emotions, shaping our lives in ways I know I we never expected. It’s important to acknowledge and address the emotional toll that chronic pain takes on us. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to recognize the emotional challenges that come with chronic pain.
If you’re going through chronic pain, know that you’re not alone. Seek support from medical professionals, therapists, and support groups. Let’s have conversations about chronic pain and raise awareness so that nobody has to suffer in silence. Together, we can work towards a world where empathy, understanding, and effective treatments are available for those living with chronic pain.
Do you even go to the doctor and forget what you wanted to talk about?
Do you even have unexpected pain but a month or two later forgot about it at your next Dr appointment?
Yup, me too! Well, that is, until I figured out about keeping a pain journal. So grab a pencil and paper so you can take notes
Those of us who live with chronic pain and who are willing to keep a pain log, journal, or diary can truly provide invaluable assistance to our Pain Management doctors and our GP doctors. These journals can help your doctor to diagnose the actual source of the pain. This will then help your doctor to put together therapy, medication, or remedy to help you manage your pain. It really does not matter if you have been dealing with chronic pain for many years or you are brand new to pain. The pain log is where you will write down everything about your pain.
Let’s look at some of the benefits of keeping a pain log are…
It can help you to remember what, when, and where the pain has been since your last doctor’s appointment
It can uncover any changes in your current condition
It can help you to recognized certain triggers or flare ups that make the pain worst
Such as food
Weather
Physical activity
It can point out some emotional problems that may have occurred or are becoming a problem because of the pain
It will shed a ton of light on side effects from medication and then help the doctor make any adjustment that may need to be made
A huge benefit is it can illuminate any patterns in your pain. This is important because we can see time of day, food allergies, stressors etc that can be causing you pain or making it get out of control
And for those of us who are not great communicators, it gives us a way to communicate to our doctor and better answer their questions that they may ask.
And, overall, it helps us to have a sense of control over our own health and well being
So the question you should be asking now is what should I write down? Let me run down a list of 7 extremely simple MAIN things you should be journaling about. Here is where you will want to grab a pencil and paper to take notes.
Each days entry should have the date and times.
You should have a pain scale rating such as 1 thru 10 where 1 is no pain and 10 is “I feel like I am dying”
There should be a sleep rating scale as well. We all know sleep can greatly affect our pain level. So keep track of your sleep by having a 1-10 hours for this area
You should be recording your activity level for the day and a scale. Continue with the 1-10 where 1 is I did not even lift a finger and 10 benign I ran a marathon
You want to make sure you are making a notation of what area on your body in which you felt the pain
Make sure you are also jotting down the time of day there is acute pain with an area to describe the level of acute pain and maybe even a trigger, if you know it. Such as “It was walking and stepped on a rock”. Or “I had coffee and I know it is a trigger for my migraines” or “It was cold and wet out today”..
You want to have an area where you are describing the following..
How long the pain lasted
Did the pain interrupt the day
Describing the type of pain. You want to use descriptive words like acute, throbbing, pulsing, tingling, burning etc. And whether or not the pain moved around.
Also you want to note if you did anything or took anything which made the pain better
Of course you will want to write down your observation as to whether or not there were other symptoms that went along with it
And, of course describe your mood before and after the pain started
Remember the more precise you are the better. And I know you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, I am in pain in the same spot every day!” It’s OK. Log it. Because I bet you when you start paying attention to it more you might find there are several days you did not realize you had inflammation and it was slowing you down. Or the day you went to the mall you had more pain than normal but took a pain pill and felt better. So make sure to write it down even if you think it is the same every day!!
And don’t feel like you have to make a journal entry every single hour. Think about writing your pain level down maybe 2-4 times a day or so. Write upon waking up, at lunch, maybe hump hour-3 pm, and before bed. If that still seems a bit overwhelming, then consider writing just at the end of the day. The more you can log the better this will give you and your doctor a great insight into your pain throughout the day.
Remember the journal you use should work for you and your personality. You could log your information in a spiral notebook, a fancy leather journal, or a pain diary like the one I made here. I will put a link to it in the description box if you would like to pick one up for yourself or a loved one who is dealing with chronic pain. Also, consider sharing this video with them as well so they can understand the benefits of logging their pain.
I made this journal originally for myself and I take it along with me to my monthly pain management appointments. It has been a great asset to my visits for helping me to remember things that were going on but may have stopped by the time I went to my appointment. You know how that is. I always look over my journal entries before my appointment and flag the days that were out of the ordinary. This also has made me much more aware of my body, the foods that cause more pain and inflammation, and just an overall awareness of how my chronic pain ebbs and flows.
I did mention it was important to also start a food log. The reason for this is when you have an onset of pain or inflammation for a few days you can easily look back and see what you ate for that day which might have made it worst. Maybe you had soda every day which is out of the ordinary for you. You ate cheese every day, or too much alcohol, or whatever.
Harvard Health Medical and Dr. Fred Tabung who is a researcher with the Department of Nutrition at Harvard’s School of Public Healthsays the food you eat can determine how well your body fights inflammation. It’s been said that you are what you eat, and that’s definitely true when it comes to chronic pain. “A lot of chronic pain is the result of chronic inflammation, and the evidence is quite strong that your diet can contribute to increased systemic inflammation, But your diet is also one of the best ways to reduce it.”
When we first start dealing with our injuries, before the chronic pain sets in, our body protected itself with inflammation and that inflammation eventually goes away. However, when you are dealing with someone who has chronic issues, this inflammation can stay with us which can, over time, damage our healthy cells and organs and cause heart disease (which is what my mom passed away from) it can also cause diabetes and even some cancers. This is why keeping track of what food we are eating and our inflammation and our pain level can drastically help us in the long run. We can finally find out that the yummy thing we have been eating for years and years is now an inflammatory junk food for our body. Even if it is a healthy food.
Overall, logging your pain is one of the simplest acts you can take into helping yourself and even possibly healing your chronic pain. Of course, that’s depending on why you are experiencing this pain. Truly, It doesn’t have to cost any money or very little money and can take just a few minutes each day.
If you are like me, I am always trying to figure out how to feel better. How to make my chronic painless.
And how to communicate to my doctor to get the best results.
My pain and food diary has helped me so much over the years. It has helped me to know which foods cause inflammation as well as which activities to stay away from. I highly recommend, if you are dealing with chronic pain, to start logging your pain today.
Save this video so you can go back and write down what to log or consider sharing it with a family member who is dealing with pain.
And again I will share a link to my pain journal in the description so you don’t have to worry about what to log and can start logging right away and bring it to your next doctor’s appointment!
Until next time Stay Healthy, Stay Happy, and Stay Wise
Do you have chronic pain? Do you forgo exercise because of chronic pain?
According to Utah university, It is estimated that 20% of adults in the U.S. experience chronic pain. In fact, chronic pain is the most common reason adults seek medical treatment in the United States. And depending on the severity of the pain and location up to 70% of chronic pain sufferers limit their exercise because of pain.
Chronic pain is not easy to deal with on a day-to-day basis. However, for those of us who do live with it, the good news is we don’t have to forego a fitness routine. In reality, by keeping to a fitness routine, you are actually improving your health, mental health, and physicality, and your body will feel better too. As a matter of fact, did you know that exercise is used as a therapy by many doctors to treat chronic pain as well as depression and anxiety? I have to be honest with you. When I first started my fitness routine, it was hard. But after just a short time I started seeing the benefits. And more than anything, I really started seeing my depression and suicidal thought going away!
The one thing I want to make sure you understand is it is extremely important to check with your doctor before starting any exercise program. We want to make sure the exercise you choose is going to be okay with whatever injury, disability, or mobility issues you are currently dealing with.
If you have been dealing with chronic pain for a while or mobility issues it is possible your muscles could be weakened from not being used very much. So when you start a program it’s not going to be easy as it was before your issues. Actually, you might feel a bit more muscle pain because your body is not fit. But give it just a little bit of time and all a sudden you will start noticing more endurance and strength that you haven’t felt in a long time.
So let’s take a look at some of the basic benefits and then we will get into 7 easy exercises that are really good for those of us with chronic pain and mobility issues…
So what are some of the benefits?
According to Harvard Health, mental health improves. While we exercise endorphins are released and go into our bloodstream. These endorphins are the body’s natural painkiller. Did you know that these endorphins are the same ones that are released during playing music, laughing, ultraviolet light, and yes, sex? Harvard says, “endorphins are just one of the four feel-good hormones, and the best way to describe it is a runner’s high.”
SpineUniverse says some of the benefits of exercising, even when you have chronic pain are…
Exercise keeps your joints moving well. That’s especially important for patients with chronic pain caused by arthritis. And I have said it before in many videos, “Motion is Lotion”
It helps to keep your muscles strong which supports your bones better.
And exercising on a regular basis keeps muscles strong which actually helps you with your daily basic needs and regular life duties such as taking a shower, cooking, cleaning, and even some basic hygiene issues that those of us with chronic back pain deal with.
It helps you maintain a healthy weight, lose weight and avoid obesity. Well, I can say it has not helped me to loose weight, but I have maintained my same weight for over 10 years now with a fluctuation of nothing more than about 5 pounds,
So let’s take a look at 7 exercises that are good for people with chronic pain and mobility issues. Of course, every BODY is different and you have to take into consideration your area of pain. So some may work better than others for you. It will be a matter of trial and error. And remember to always talk it over with your pain management doctor.
Muscle strengthening. Now according to dr. Glass who happens to be the Olympic team sports doctor says two things anyone with chronic pain can do is core strengthening and flexibility. Getting a stronger core, glutes, and back can help reduce back pain. If you have joints that are painful due to injuries or arthritis then getting stronger muscles around those joints can help ease pain a lot. Having strong muscles, doing strength training, can make you more mobile and will support those joints that have weakend.
Flexibility training through things like stretching and yoga can also help bring your chronic pain at bay by improving your movement, posture, and muscle pain. It can also help lower cortisol levels in women with fibromyalgia. If you’re exercising, stretching should be done before and after all exercises and should never hurt. You can work on stretching your neck, shoulders, hands, upper and lower back, hips, glutes, ankles and feet. A whole body approach is how you should think of stretching. Things like yoga can be excellent for someone with chronic pain, but remember to go over all the moves with your pain management doctor first. Some yoga poses can put more stress on your joints and can be harmful. For me, Yoga was my first choice after my accident and operation and I still practice three to four times a week. However, I do basic stretching every day, 7 days a week for about 10-15 mins.
Swimming is a great low impact exercise. There’s no pressure on any of your joints., Yet it gives you that full body strength training that weight lifitng can give you and it includes the flexibility and stretching of yoga. If you are lucky enough to have access to a pool, regular swimming can be a great source for increasing your endorphins. Try attending a water aerobics class, regular swimming, or even just running in place in the pool. Later you can add weights to your legs and arms and even riding a bike under water.
Of course my favorite is walking and Hiking. This exercise can be awesome for building stamina and strengthening your glutes, thighs, calves, ankles. And if you use walking sticks, it can even strengthen your hands, arms, and shoulders. Once you have started with shorter distance walks and build up your endurance and strength, then you should consider trying hiking. But remember to always get the right shoes and gear and take a partner with you if you’re dealing with mobility issues or disability. Walking has greatly helped me with my severely impacted balance as well. After my operation and accident I really had a problem with falling over as I was walking. Once I started my walking program it eventually decreased so much that I barely even notice it today.
Tai Chi is another exercise that combines breath control, meditation, stretching, and strength training all-in-one. Tai Chi has also been linked to lowering blood pressure and improving heart health. And we all know that those who deal with chronic pain, mobility issues, and disabilities are more likely to have high blood pressure and heart problems due to the either lack of exercise, stress, and anxiety from constant pain. This is one exercise I have not tried yet but since doing the research for this video I’m actually going to buy a DVD and give it a try. Hey, if I like it, I might do a video on it.
Biking is another low impact exercise that can warm up all your joints, and strengthen your lower body which can help with knee pain, hip pain, and even lower back pain. However you need to make sure that you get a bike that is extremely comfortable for your back. That Means the seat is in the correct height and position as well as the handle bars need to be high enough so you are not hunching over. So take your bike to a bike shop and have them adjust the handlebars and the seats to make it more comfortable for you. And if you’re not into biking on the street or maybe you don’t have good balance, or you own a bike, consider getting a stationary bike. Hey, you can watch your favorite show and exercise at the same time.
Lastly consider meditating on a daily basis. Now I know this does not sound like a muscle building exercise, but Learning to relax especially if you are dealing with chronic pain can be a harder exercise than any that I have described. But according to a study by PudMedical central, people who practice mindfulness were able to reduce pain by up to 22%. This may be because it reduces anxiety and depression. Listen, those of us who deal with chronic pain we need to learn to relax. And we all know it’s hard when it’s constantly nagging at your back, your ankle, your neck, your head, or your hands. So learning to relax through daily meditation can really help to reduce that stress which can help bring that blood pressure down as well. There are many free apps to help get you started. Start with just 5 mins and try to build your way to 30 mins a day. This has been an extreme game changer for me. When I miss several days in a row, I notice the change in my self talk, mood and blood pressure. This one can be done, no matter your disability or even how much chornic pain you have. And don;t worry if you fall asleep during it. Congrats, it means you got relaxed!
You have heard me before tell you how exercise has saved my life. I honestly don’t know where I would be or how I would be if I never got off my butt and started back to exercising after my accident. It has helped me with my anxiety, my mood swings, my pain level, my mobility issues, my balance issues, and even my blood pressure has gone down. I feel better not only mentally and physically but also better about myself.
I know having chronic pain, mobility issues, and a disability can be a pain in the gluteus maximus, but today is a great day to start with just 5 or 10 minutes of something. And as you get stronger go for 15, then 20, and so on. Work towards about 30 minutes a day four or five times a week. I’m telling you from one big-boned and broken chronic pain mobility issue person to another, It helps! It has made a huge difference in my life. Just ask my husband and kids! So go out and start moving today.
Until next time stay healthy, stay happy, and stay wise.
As a woman, we have a lot of pressure put on us to look a certain way.
We are told we have to be supermodel thin, big breasts, full lips, big hips then small hips, and then back again, act and walk sexy everywhere we go, show off our bodies, be a sex kitten, and oh so much more.
But what if we cannot live up to this huge expectation that is put on us? What if we are slightly or a lot Big Boned? What if we are physically handicapped?
What if we are BBAB and we are absolutely none of the above according to what social media and the world says we should be? Does it make us any less of a woman? Any less beautiful? Any less worthwhile?
Myself being a Big-boned and Broken woman, there have been many times in my life I have felt unworthy, useless, unattractive, and an outcast in our society.
Especially since social media and the internet can onto the scene. And yes, I grew up in the dark ages. Without cell phones, social media, and OMGsh, computers! But guess what? Even then the stigma for women to be drop-dead gorgeous and stick-thin was placed upon our shoulders. And as a big-boned teenager in the late 80’s it played a huge number in the way I felt about myself.
Today women don’t just have TV and touched-up print ads to live up to, we have filters on social media that can trim our hips or add to them. Whatever the trend is today. It can thin out our waist, give us abs, and worst yet make our face and skin look as if we are poreless and a 55-year-old woman look 25 again. Wow, how difficult is that to live up to. It is no wonder our teens are depressed, cutting, starving themselves, and worst, committing suicide.
Then you add in being a BBAB woman who suffers from chronic pain and if it’s even more depressing. We can suffer from feelings of unacceptance, feeling left out, ugly, and like we don’t belong. This leads to depression, anger at ourselves, at God, and everyone around us! Some of us will stuff these feelings down way into our gut which leads to stress, weight gain, high blood pressure, lacking a sex drive, and striking out at the people we love most.
It has taken me several years to figure out how to live in the BBAB body and feel comfortable and happy right where I am today. Oh let me make it very clear, I still struggle with many of not all of these things I mentioned but today’s Kristin feels so different, mentally than the Kristin of several years ago and I want to share with you a few things that have helped me.
I know you may not like the first thing I am going to tell you, but here it goes. Exercise. Now I realize there are a few of you who may not be able to join an exercise class or do strenuous exercise, but the majority of you who are watching this can do something.
*When I first started out I started with yoga. I sat in a chair and moved my arms and stretched my shoulders, waist, and legs. This led to feeling better and better and I finally was able to take a slow yoga class. Now I have my own yoga plan that I do almost daily at home. And yes, I still start out in the chair. Hey, why stop something that works well?
*Walking was another thing that helped. Now I was instructed to walk after my hip replacement. So I started with ½ mile several days a week and overtime it led me back out to the regional parks to hike the trails. Now I hike 3-5 miles several days a week.
*Exercise bands were another item my physical therapist had suggested and I still use them a few times a week to this day. They are not going to bulk you up, but it will give you some added strength or at least keep the strength you already have!
Eventually a few years into my journey, I decided I was still dealing with a lot of hurt, anger, and depression so I sought the wise counsel of my pastor and then a counselor. This was a smart move because it helped me to deal with some of the “It’s all my fault” and “I deserve this” attitudes I was having. My counselor opened my eyes to the realization that what was happening to me was not because I was a bad person or I deserved it, it just happened. She helped me to open my eyes to ways to deal with the depression and suicidal thoughts I was having.
Another thing I started doing was keeping a journal. Now I fully admit that today, many years later since the beginning of my BBAB journey, I don’t write in it every day. But in the beginning, I did. And let me tell you how much it helped. The first journal was just blank-lined pages and I brain-dumped everything onto those pages. As a matter of fact, I am currently transferring those journal pages onto my blog. This brain dump helped because I did not have to worry about language or hurting someone’s feelings or what people thought about me. I could just dump it all out onto a piece of paper.
*Eventually I went to a gratitude journal. This helped me to see the good things that were still in my life and were right in front of my nose. But when you are in constant pain it is hard to see those good things.
I also decided to try some holistic approaches to pain management. I tried acupuncture, meditation, CBD oil, breath therapy, sound therapy, herbal medicine, heat and ice therapy, essential oil, and several others. Many of these things I still use or do today and others did not work so well for me. I would like to persuade you to look into some of the holistic ways to deal with your chronic pain. You might find they work very well for you.
And of course, there is always traditional western medicine. Physical therapy and medications. And yes, I did and still do these too. Physical therapy helped me to know what muscles to work, why, and what, and how strengthening the muscles around the injured area can help to lessen pain. And of course, my pain management doctor has helped me with Radiofrequency oblation in my back and neck, pain medications, and steroid shots in my neck, back and knee. Depending on your injury and level of chronic pain, this may have to be the route that’s right for you.
No matter what you decide to do to help yourself and your chronic pain, remember your attitude can make or break how you feel and it can even change the whole feeling in a room of people. I am not saying we should not cry, feel down or talk to friends and family about it. I am talking about the “Poor Me” attitude. It is important to not keep this” attitude running through our brain 24/7. I was there, so I understand. Along with all the things the world says women should be that I listed at the beginning of this video and then our own internal talk, this can be way overwhelming and no matter what you do to help yourself on the outside it just won’t work until the brain gets some healing. Our internal thoughts about ourselves have to be positive. Every day you need to look in a mirror and tell yourself…” I am enough”, ”I am beautiful”, “I am useful”, “I am needed” or whatever your negative internal talk is. And please let me not try to fool you into thinking I have this all figured out myself. Because I don’t. There are days I am my worst enemy. But every day I journal, I have at least 1 thing I am grateful for, I exercise, I read my Bible, I meditate, as well as several other things to keep me happy and keep my pain levels somewhat bearable.
Look, I know it is hard to be a BBAB woman with chronic pain in a fake social media beauty-obsessed world. But, 1 step at a time, 1 happy thought at a time, 1 attitude of gratitude at a time, and each day can get better and better. If you need to, toss out social media altogether for a month and see if that helps a bit. Do you want to feel better? Do you still want to look better? It is said that happiness is marked by a feeling of great excitement and euphoria. Happiness and smiling can help with pain and make a person look stunningly beautiful. It can make people want to be around you, trust you, and model after you! So do yourself a favor and work on the head pain along with the body pain and see if in a month or two you don’t start feeling just a bit better.
I’m Kristin Nitz with Big Boned and Broken
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Until next time, stay healthy, stay happy, and stay wise!
Chronic pain affects men and women differently. Over 100 million people suffer from chronic pain here in America. Women, about 35% of them, will report chronic pain to their doctor, while men only about 25%. Why is this?
Men often feel they will appear less manly or even weak. This tends to make a man grin and bear it and hide it from doctors, co-workers, family, and friends. Raise your hand if you can relate to this.
This chronic pain can give you a lack of feeling manly and can all add up to depression, being impatient, loss of work, lack of enthusiasm for work, sex, family time, exercise, and much more.
Our society tells men they have to be strong, play sports, be a weightlifter, muscular, industrious, successful in business, be accepted by other guys or be treated as an equal in social functions. This can be really hard for a guy to live up to those expectations. But then you add in being a Big Boned and Broken man with chronic pain and it can leave you feeling inadequate and honestly it is absolutely impossible to live up to this.
All of this chronic pain, depression, anxiety, stress, lack of exercise & sleep can lead to further health problems. Which leads us to the Doctor’s office. Men are less likely to open up and give details to their doctors. But on the other side of the coin, most general practitioners truly don’t know or maybe weren’t taught how to handle chronic pain and even more so, how to handle the difference between male and female chronic pain. Add to that being big-boned and the answer from the doctor is usually “Lose some weight and all this pain will just magically go away!”
Our country needs to break down this stigma of men needing to “grin and bear it” and realize you feel pain just as much as a woman does and should be allowed to show it. But until this changes, what can you do to help yourself?
First and foremost get help. We have to deal with what’s going on in our heads before anything else. I know how chronic pain can change your personality. If you are feeling depressed or acting out to family, friends, and coworkers, feeling overwhelmed, etc., then consider talking to a trusted friend, family member, pastor, or counselor. You are NOT any less of a man because you admit you need help, cry, or have pain or because you are big-boned and broken.
Consider journaling if talking is just NOT going to happen or maybe you just don’t have a person to talk to or the funds for a counselor or don’t have a pastor. Sometimes jotting down your feelings can make a huge change in your attitude and your perspective on things. I will leave a link in the description to a couple of journals that you might like to use.
Research a few articles on holistic pain management skills. A few ideas would be yoga, meditation, acupuncture, breathing exercises, light physical activity, and even massage. There are so many ways to handle pain holistically and these I have mentioned are just a few. Find one that sounds good to you and give it a try for a couple of months. Remember holistic medicine does not change things overnight so give it a little time.
Don’t forget about the traditional way to handle pain through your pain management doctor, physical therapy, and of course medications if the pain is over the top. And please be open to your doctor so he can direct you in the path that will work best for you and your chronic pain.
Look all those things I mention at the beginning of what the world says a man should be can be a part of what a man can be but it does not make you a man if you do all those things or any less of a man if you cannot achieve any other those things. So what makes a man?
I believe a true man is one who is loving to his wife and children, family, friends, and coworkers. One who keeps his promises shows kindness not just to people he knows but to strangers, knows when to say I am sorry when he makes a mistake, and the most important is a man of upstanding character.
Sometimes all we need to do is change our attitude about our life, our situation, or about other people to make us feel better. You know they say happiness is euphoric. So first and foremost work on an attitude of gratitude.
I’m Kristin Nitz with Big Boned and Broken.
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The last two nights have been miserable. I can barely sleep because I cannot move. I feel like I’m dying. Every time I adjust myself during my sleep I wake up because it feels as if someone is taking a hot poker and shoving it into the calf of my right leg all the way down into my ankle and toes. Anthony is sleeping on the couch and he said I am whining all through the night. He can hardly sleep as well. What on earth did I do to deserve this?
He brought my mom’s portable potty seat in the living room because I cannot walk 2 feet less alone all the way to the bathroom. I tried and I almost lost my urine because of the pain of trying to hobble to the bathroom. Man, thank God she had this potty seat. I hate doing this. There is absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I am in the middle of my living room trying to go to the bathroom with the front door just a few feet from me. My living room is open to the remainder of the house. Oh my gosh. This is awful. I cannot shower, I cannot use a sink, my body hurts all over but mostly in my leg and ankle, and I cannot sleep. What the heck? I have never been in so much burning pain.
Tonight is my Mom’s night out with my homeschool group, but the ladies are actually going to come to my house. Okay, that is so nice, but to be honest, I really don’t want them to come over. The house is a mess, I am a stinky unwashed mess, I am in agony and now I have to put on a happy face? I get why they are coming and I really truly appreciate it. It is so sweet. I love these ladies, but I hope someone brings a gun or something and puts me out of my misery. But then again I do want them to come over! Maybe it will help me to smile because I have not smiled once in several days and hardly smiled since my Mom passed away just a few short days ago. I don’t know what I want! I feel so indecisive. My brain and head hurt all the time. I can feel my blood pressure is really high, but I am not taking it because I don’t want to have to worry about that too. But my ears are hot 24/7, and that is my first sign of high BP. BUT, I do know I want my mom! I’m so thankful for my husband and everything that he’s doing for me including clearing out the potty seat sitting next to my bed. But I need my mom! Boy you never know how much you need your mom until you cannot have her! My body hurts, my head hurts, my heart is breaking, and I feel so very down!
I am trying so hard to keep up with my kid’s schooling but I am really struggling to even want to read to them or even care if they get any work down. It is not fair to them. They are stuck. Maybe I should just give up and send them to school. I don’t know what to do. I am working on a list of things we need to get done, but I just do not have the energy to teach. I know my son is devastated by all this. I can see he is torn apart. He has not smiled once since all of this started. My daughter does not know what to make of it yet. I just can’t believe I’m letting my poor kids down so badly! I feel like a complete failure of a mom!
The mom’s night out went pretty good tonight. Everybody realized that this could not be an extremely long get-together. Most everybody stayed no more than an hour. So I’m thankful for that. They brought me a meal which was great! It was nice seeing them, but it really was hard to put on that happy face and pretend like nothing was wrong. I did it and kept from crying and complaining and talking about it too much! I kept changing the subject to someone else in the room. But I am exhausted now! I just lost my mom, and I am unable to walk, I have no privacy, I cannot do anything for myself, I have to rely on everyone for everything, and I am in an extreme amount of pain. But, I did a good job of not showing how awful I really feel. Gosh, the last thing I want to do is be the one person in the room who is bringing everyone down. They all wanted to talk about it, but I shifted the conversation several times asking everyone else what they are up to or how they are. I do not want to be this burden on everyone or be this downer every time we get together. No, I will just smile and pretend I am fine! I much prefer to deal with pain on my own. I don’t want people to really know how I truly am feeling. They would not enjoy that conversation. They would probably run and hide from me. Nope, I am just fine…NOT!
This is my lovely bathroom sitting in the middle of my living room next to my bed. Did I mention I could not go to the bathroom by myself? I needed help from whoever was available at that moment. Because I could not move my left by myself. I need someone to move it for me and another to help me out of bed!Yes, my sweet bird, Crackers is helping me eat my lunch. But this picture shows the ace bandage I was talking about. There are 2 small pieces of balsa wood on either side of my foot and then a hefty wrapping of ace bandage that needed to be removed every other day so my skin could be wiped down and aired out. This was excruciatingly horrific! just ignore the bra on the bed! LOLThis is my daughter and my friend’s dog. I mention it in later journal entries. My girlfriend went away for a week to visit her mom in Texas and while all this was going on with me, we babysat her dog. Now it sounds like a bad thing, right? But at this point, all our dogs had passed away so Honey, ended up being a blessing in disguise which you will hear about in upcoming entries. But I thought I would post this here for a pick-me-up picture!
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As I was reading through this portion of my journal I have no words for how much suffering I truly was in. Not just physically but emotionally!
At this point, I did not know that I had pinched a nerve behind my knee. So this is where the searing pain was coming from down my leg. Plus my foot and ankle were still mobile because I had not been casted yet. I was only in a splint with an ace bandage wrapped around it. The swelling had to come down first! So imagine not being cast, broken ankle, severe swelling, and a pinched nerve all wiggling around anytime I moved. Not to mention I was having severe headaches and because I was not moving (or so I thought) my back was starting to hurt.
I mentioned in my journal that it felt like a hot poker in the side of my calf but honestly that’s mild to the pain that I remember! It was awful. As I read it, I could feel the pain all over again. I could feel the agony of wanting to talk about it with everyone, but not wanting to be a burden or a Debbie Downer. Man, what a dummy I was! My friends would have been there for me, but I was too prideful to want to ask for help or an ear! Hey, if you reading this, don’t do that! Not to say that you should be 24/7 talking about your problems and not being a good listener to others, but remember if they are truly your friend or your loved ones, then they should be willing to be there for you and help by either doing or listening or giving a shoulder to cry on. Shoot, I even tried not crying in front of my kids and hubby. To be very honest, no one really knew just how bad it was for me. Maybe a pretty good idea physically, but not mentally. It truly only gets worst from here!
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
I have been having such a hard time since my mom passed away. But now my life has been changed forever! Today is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. Today is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. The stairs are a monster ready to eat me alive! And they did! I can’t believe how stupid I truly am. All I wanted to do was come downstairs and be with my family and do it on my own. The entire reason that my doctor put me in rehab came true today.
I was upstairs in my bedroom and felt very lonely and needed some company from my family. Plus I was hungry as well. As I came down the stairs, one of the steps was slightly loose and my sock slipped on the carpeted step, and down I went. The pain was so intense I could barely catch my breath through each of the screams. I don’t even recall seeing my family come to my rescue. But all of a sudden, everybody was surrounding me. My husband, my daughter, and my son. My screams were so loud that my throat was actually hurting as I was screaming. So much for using my singing voice. I don’t know for sure, but my poor family must have thought I was dying. My poor neighbors must have thought someone was killing me. Shoot, it felt like someone was killing me.
You see as I slipped down the stairs I did everything and anything to save my brand new full left hip replacement. As I look back on this, it might have been easier to have the new hip dislocated and replaced it into the socket than what I am going through right now. I grabbed the railing so tight it felt as if I crushed it, but I was moving so fast down the stairs that my hands yanked away from the railing and my right leg tucked under my behind. This would not be that bad, but then my ankle was crushed between the weight of my sudden moving fall and the edge of our open steps. Yes, my ankle sat half on the step and half on the edge of the step as I collapse on top of it.
My husband tried to get my leg from underneath me. But every time he touched me it sent searing pain through my leg and even up into my right hip. It was unbelievable. Of course, my husband called the ambulance and they came as soon as they possibly could be here. I hated the thought of being wheeled away in the ambulance. The emergency technicians asked me to stand up on my good leg so that they could put me on the Gurney, but I couldn’t even stand. It’d taken me the entire time that we waited for them to get my leg from underneath me because the pain was something I had never felt in my life. I had naturally birthed 2 kids and the pain of both of those births together could not compare! I am in so much pain I can barely breathe. My breathing is shallow and I can feel my ears are hot which means my blood pressure is HIGH!
In the emergency room, They didn’t have a room for me at first so I had to sit out in the lobby. After a lot of screaming, crying, and moaning, I think that they must have had some complaints from somebody because they’ve moved me into a room rather quickly. I could barely stand the pain it was so intense and they ended up giving me Dilaudid. Now I had Dilaudid when I was in the hospital for my hip and that stuff normally knocks me out Cold. I am OUT like a light bulb! But this time? No, not this time. This time it didn’t even calm me down. So much so that they came in and had to give me several shots over the course of being there because the pain was so intense. I don’t know what I did to my ankle but if this is what a break feels like, I don’t ever wanna do this again!
My husband tells me that my kids stayed home because they would not be allowed to be in the emergency room since they are underage and usually in the ER there are only 1 or 2 guests allowed at a time. However, my girlfriend Shannon came as soon as she heard! She stayed with me and Anthony in the emergency room for a little while. I actually do not even remember her leaving I was so out of it with all the drugs they kept pumping in me. I’m so glad she came. Her prayers and her sweet shining face along with my husband holding my hand the entire time really helped to get me through this. One of the nurses who did not speak very good English kept trying to move my foot from side to side. I kept trying to tell her she can’t do that and it was hurting, but she would just look at me with a blank stare. Well, needless to say, she kept doing it and I kept screaming until finally a doctor came in and snapped at the nurse for what she was doing and took over wrapping my ankle.
They said that they could not set my ankle and that all they could do was put a brace and a wrap on it until the swelling went down. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get through the next week or so. The pain that is shooting up my leg is unbearable. I can barely move whatsoever without searing pain. How am I going to go more than a day like this? How am I gonna get upstairs to my bed? How am I going to go to the bathroom? Man, I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring, but today is just about one of the worst days of my life right now. I’m lying here writing this because I can’t sleep due to the pain being so intense. Let’s hope tomorrow brings less pain and less swelling so I can get it casted fast because the little sticks and the ace bandage around my ankle is not cutting it.
On the way home from the ER my husband had a great idea. He and his good friend Jeff unassemble my bed and brought it downstairs into our living room so I don’t have to climb the stairs. Because honestly, I know there is no way I can walk less alone climb a flight of stairs!!!. I’m so thankful for this. Let’s just hope once I get the ankle cast that I don’t find out there is something wrong with my hip too.
_________________________________________________________________________ Wow, as I read this thru a couple times it brought me back to the pain. It is weird how we tend to forget how painful a situation was, kind of like childbirth. On a scale of 1-10 in pain level this day, I was at a 20. I do remember as I laid in that bed and my husband on the couch next to me that first night how I hardly slept. Not only was I in excruciating pain the entire night, even on Percoset. It was a miserable first night, well, and several nights after. I knew then and now that I would never wish any of the things I have gone thru on my worst enemy!
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
Life has to move on. Every time I go into our living room, even though the hospice bed is gone, I see her there. I walk around the house aimlessly looking for her. I go into her bedroom looking for her. I pick up her pajamas and just hold them close to my face because they smell like her. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was terrible hard when my dad died but this? This is ripping my heart out. I want my mommy! I am still not sure how this is ever going to feel better. I still see her face when I close my eyes. I still feel the pain of feeling like I did not do enough. I still feel like I was a horrible daughter. All the times I treated her poorly, all the times, I said harsh words, all the times I ignored her, made her feel bad, walked away, sassed back, or didn’t listen. they are all just ringing through my head. Every last one. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am over consumed with guilt and grief!
But I have to put on a strong and happy face because I had to start physical therapy today twice a week. My physical therapist is really nice. I’m thinking that I will get quite a bit from physical therapy. But the main thing is I must do the exercises at home as well as at the physical therapist. He really stressed that. I know me, I do not want to be a burden any longer than I have to so I will do them daily!
My friends and my choir from church have been bringing meals to us. I just don’t have the energy or the stamina to try to cook a meal, and although he tries, my husband much rather purchases fast-food meals than cook. Honestly, I’m getting tired of eating out! It’s been nice having home-cooked meals and not having to worry about clean up. I know that these feelings of sadness will eventually fade, but honestly, I don’t know if I deserve them to fade! I should have been there!
_________________________________________________________________________ As I’m transcribing my journal here on my blog I started crying. It’s years later that I’m transcribing my journal to this blog and yet as I read my journal and type it out here I find myself reliving these horrible feelings. I find myself visualizing the room, the bed, my mom’s face, and even her hand that I held as she passed. Yes, the feelings fade, yes it gets easier, but let’s be honest, we never forget! I still miss my mother and I still want my mommy back! I will say re-writing this and posting it is having a healing effect on me, even though now it has been several years. I also am hoping that if there are people out there feeling the same way that maybe, just maybe they can have a bit of relief knowing they are not alone.
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
Even more beautiful as she aged. Somewhere very later 1960’s to early 1970’s
My Older sister, Julie, me, and my Mom. 1968
My mom and me. I was still a babe so maybe late 1967 early 1968.
1996 Dinner Date with Mom
Always Fun loving Mom. Her Birthday at Benihana
My Mom and dad 199?
We loved playing tricks on her. She found this on the counter…LOL 2013ish.
Two days before I leave her for my hip operation May 16, 2015
My June 7th 2015, Journal:
This morning I sat by my mom’s side the entire day. I barely ate or drink anything. My mother-in-law, my kids, my husband begging me to get up and walk, to eat, to drink, but I can’t. I just can’t. I am losing her and I cannot deal with this. I am not hungry, I don’t care about my hip. All I care about is getting my Mom back. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE!
The kids, Anthony, and Maggie are in and out of the living room all throughout the day trying to encourage me as well as visiting with Mommy. I can’t leave her side. I spent weeks in rehab not by her side, at the very least a daughter could do is to hold her hand as she passes away and ascends to be with Jesus. I know she’s going to pass today and I can’t let her do it without me holding her hand. I’m here for you Mommy. I Love you and I am so sorry I was not there for you these past few weeks. But I am here right now. Know you are loved so very much.
The evening has come and unfortunately, my mom has passed away. I was not looking at her, but I felt her squeeze my hand the moment she passed and I yelled out in terror to my family! A scream of physical pain is nothing compared to the scream of losing a person you love with every single inch of your being! But at least I held her hand the entire time. I do have to say it’s amazing how cold and stiff the body gets once the soul has left it. Even after she passed I could not let go of her hand.
I’m physically in pain from sitting all day long. I am parched and exhausted. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep but I have to wait for the Medical Coroner to come so i can sign papers. Plus every time I close my eyes, I see her. Not really her, but the her who just passed. Oh God, will that picture ever go away? I know I should do my physical therapy but I just couldn’t leave her side. I’m an emotional pain because I no longer have my mommy, my rehab partner, the one person who will love me no matter what. I don’t know how I’m going to move on without her. I know time will heal everything, but I want her for another Christmas, another birthday, another milestone in her grandchildren’s lives.
I am so thankful that God kept her here on Earth for five more days. I’m so glad she didn’t pass away while we were both in rehab. I still blame myself though. If only…..
This picture is from the day before she passed away.
My June 6, 2015, Journal:
My Mom is so bad off. I cannot stop crying. I cannot take of her alone. I don’t know what to do! We finally had to call hospice. I cannot help her in and out of bed nor help her to go to the bathroom without possibly sending myself back to the hospital. My mother-in-law and my husband are doing their best, but it is hard on them as well. This is waaaaay tooooo much to ask of them. She is my Mom and Ishould be the one to help her. We set up the hospital bed in the living room so she can be around us all the time. Oh My God, I cannot believe this is happening. God, please NO! I cannot face this right now. I am in so much physical pain and now my heart is tearing out of my flippin chest!!!
I’ve spent the entire day sitting in my living room with my mom in her hospice bed holding her hand and talking to her. Shoot I even turned on one of her soap operas! I know that she’s going home to be with God any day now. I still feel so responsible. This morning she was still able to talk to me and tell me how much she loved me but this evening there’s nothing. As I write in my journal I am filled with so much grief. I can hardly see the page. This is not how this was supposed to go! We presumed we were going to get better together. Share a huge life story together. Share the pain of recovery together. And now, all I want to do is crawl into bed again and never come out! She’s not eating or drinking and she’s somewhat unresponsive to my words. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her! Oh My God, I cannot see straight! I cannot do this. She is the only person who has ever been there for me for my whole life through all the abuse I took from my sister, the kids at school, molestation, and rape. Please God, Please make a miracle happen and give me my Mom back, PLEASE!!!!
_________________________________________________________________________ Wow, this was horrible to read and re-live. I had to actually stop for a little bit because I was sobbing so hard. Boy, I had forgotten the emptiness and the loneliness I felt during these few days coming home from the hospital after my surgery. there was such a feeling of despair and a huge chasm in my gut and heart. I felt like I was the worst daughter on earth. I had let my mom down! I promised her, when we cohabitated, that I would take care of her. I promised her I would never put her in a nursing home. I would be there for her like she had been there for me my entire life even through all the crap I dished out to her in my teenage years! I felt I had let my family down because they were having to do my job of taking care of her. When we moved in together with her I had exclaimed that I would be the one to take care of her. She was my mom, my responsibility and even though sometimes I would need help, I would not let it get in the way of raising my kids. And now, not only are they having to watch her die in front of their little faces, but having to change her, feed her, etc?
These were tough feelings I was dealing with. As a matter of fact, I did spend about 6 hours 1 day during this period in bed because I was so depressed and riddled with guilt I was unable to face my Mom or my family. Reliving these feelings, as I write it on this blog post, was very difficult. I found myself starting to get caught up in the guilt and depression again. So I had to stop and pray. I talked to God for a good 15 minutes and read a few passages and felt so much better and came back to write the ending remarks. I am so glad I did that because I could see myself falling back into those bleak feelings.
If you are going through something like this, please know it is OK to have all those feelings. It is OK, to be down, depressed, sad, etc. But it is NOT OK to stay there. Pray, talk, and work on not wallowing in it. Message me. I will pray with you or talk with you.
My journey does not end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
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