My journey is a long and hard one. There are many of us who have been to the depths of despair and back. This is my journey and how I overcame the hardships of the life that was handed to me. Welcome to my very first podcast. Please join me for future podcasts as I learn more about podcasting as well as learning about the world around you and me. My journey is now our journey together to being truly happy with where we are in life. Catch you n the flip side.
Welcome to Big Boned and Broken, where amazing things happen. We are going to walk this pilgrimage of being big-boned and broken together learning how to sincerely be happy with where we are in life right now. We will deal with subjects such as exercise, being big-boned, how to feel better even though we are broken, dealing with other people’s opinions of us, and even some instruments I have used to either deal with pain, brokenness, or my weight as well as much more. I will also be documenting my Journal pages through the years of my recovery from being broken. Come and join me in being truly happy in our Big Boned and Broken journey together.
The last two nights have been miserable. I can barely sleep because I cannot move. I feel like I’m dying. Every time I adjust myself during my sleep I wake up because it feels as if someone is taking a hot poker and shoving it into the calf of my right leg all the way down into my ankle and toes. Anthony is sleeping on the couch and he said I am whining all through the night. He can hardly sleep as well. What on earth did I do to deserve this?
He brought my mom’s portable potty seat in the living room because I cannot walk 2 feet less alone all the way to the bathroom. I tried and I almost lost my urine because of the pain of trying to hobble to the bathroom. Man, thank God she had this potty seat. I hate doing this. There is absolutely no privacy whatsoever. I am in the middle of my living room trying to go to the bathroom with the front door just a few feet from me. My living room is open to the remainder of the house. Oh my gosh. This is awful. I cannot shower, I cannot use a sink, my body hurts all over but mostly in my leg and ankle, and I cannot sleep. What the heck? I have never been in so much burning pain.
Tonight is my Mom’s night out with my homeschool group, but the ladies are actually going to come to my house. Okay, that is so nice, but to be honest, I really don’t want them to come over. The house is a mess, I am a stinky unwashed mess, I am in agony and now I have to put on a happy face? I get why they are coming and I really truly appreciate it. It is so sweet. I love these ladies, but I hope someone brings a gun or something and puts me out of my misery. But then again I do want them to come over! Maybe it will help me to smile because I have not smiled once in several days and hardly smiled since my Mom passed away just a few short days ago. I don’t know what I want! I feel so indecisive. My brain and head hurt all the time. I can feel my blood pressure is really high, but I am not taking it because I don’t want to have to worry about that too. But my ears are hot 24/7, and that is my first sign of high BP. BUT, I do know I want my mom! I’m so thankful for my husband and everything that he’s doing for me including clearing out the potty seat sitting next to my bed. But I need my mom! Boy you never know how much you need your mom until you cannot have her! My body hurts, my head hurts, my heart is breaking, and I feel so very down!
I am trying so hard to keep up with my kid’s schooling but I am really struggling to even want to read to them or even care if they get any work down. It is not fair to them. They are stuck. Maybe I should just give up and send them to school. I don’t know what to do. I am working on a list of things we need to get done, but I just do not have the energy to teach. I know my son is devastated by all this. I can see he is torn apart. He has not smiled once since all of this started. My daughter does not know what to make of it yet. I just can’t believe I’m letting my poor kids down so badly! I feel like a complete failure of a mom!
The mom’s night out went pretty good tonight. Everybody realized that this could not be an extremely long get-together. Most everybody stayed no more than an hour. So I’m thankful for that. They brought me a meal which was great! It was nice seeing them, but it really was hard to put on that happy face and pretend like nothing was wrong. I did it and kept from crying and complaining and talking about it too much! I kept changing the subject to someone else in the room. But I am exhausted now! I just lost my mom, and I am unable to walk, I have no privacy, I cannot do anything for myself, I have to rely on everyone for everything, and I am in an extreme amount of pain. But, I did a good job of not showing how awful I really feel. Gosh, the last thing I want to do is be the one person in the room who is bringing everyone down. They all wanted to talk about it, but I shifted the conversation several times asking everyone else what they are up to or how they are. I do not want to be this burden on everyone or be this downer every time we get together. No, I will just smile and pretend I am fine! I much prefer to deal with pain on my own. I don’t want people to really know how I truly am feeling. They would not enjoy that conversation. They would probably run and hide from me. Nope, I am just fine…NOT!
This is my lovely bathroom sitting in the middle of my living room next to my bed. Did I mention I could not go to the bathroom by myself? I needed help from whoever was available at that moment. Because I could not move my left by myself. I need someone to move it for me and another to help me out of bed!Yes, my sweet bird, Crackers is helping me eat my lunch. But this picture shows the ace bandage I was talking about. There are 2 small pieces of balsa wood on either side of my foot and then a hefty wrapping of ace bandage that needed to be removed every other day so my skin could be wiped down and aired out. This was excruciatingly horrific! just ignore the bra on the bed! LOLThis is my daughter and my friend’s dog. I mention it in later journal entries. My girlfriend went away for a week to visit her mom in Texas and while all this was going on with me, we babysat her dog. Now it sounds like a bad thing, right? But at this point, all our dogs had passed away so Honey, ended up being a blessing in disguise which you will hear about in upcoming entries. But I thought I would post this here for a pick-me-up picture!
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As I was reading through this portion of my journal I have no words for how much suffering I truly was in. Not just physically but emotionally!
At this point, I did not know that I had pinched a nerve behind my knee. So this is where the searing pain was coming from down my leg. Plus my foot and ankle were still mobile because I had not been casted yet. I was only in a splint with an ace bandage wrapped around it. The swelling had to come down first! So imagine not being cast, broken ankle, severe swelling, and a pinched nerve all wiggling around anytime I moved. Not to mention I was having severe headaches and because I was not moving (or so I thought) my back was starting to hurt.
I mentioned in my journal that it felt like a hot poker in the side of my calf but honestly that’s mild to the pain that I remember! It was awful. As I read it, I could feel the pain all over again. I could feel the agony of wanting to talk about it with everyone, but not wanting to be a burden or a Debbie Downer. Man, what a dummy I was! My friends would have been there for me, but I was too prideful to want to ask for help or an ear! Hey, if you reading this, don’t do that! Not to say that you should be 24/7 talking about your problems and not being a good listener to others, but remember if they are truly your friend or your loved ones, then they should be willing to be there for you and help by either doing or listening or giving a shoulder to cry on. Shoot, I even tried not crying in front of my kids and hubby. To be very honest, no one really knew just how bad it was for me. Maybe a pretty good idea physically, but not mentally. It truly only gets worst from here!
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
I have been having such a hard time since my mom passed away. But now my life has been changed forever! Today is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. Today is the day that nothing will ever be the same again. The stairs are a monster ready to eat me alive! And they did! I can’t believe how stupid I truly am. All I wanted to do was come downstairs and be with my family and do it on my own. The entire reason that my doctor put me in rehab came true today.
I was upstairs in my bedroom and felt very lonely and needed some company from my family. Plus I was hungry as well. As I came down the stairs, one of the steps was slightly loose and my sock slipped on the carpeted step, and down I went. The pain was so intense I could barely catch my breath through each of the screams. I don’t even recall seeing my family come to my rescue. But all of a sudden, everybody was surrounding me. My husband, my daughter, and my son. My screams were so loud that my throat was actually hurting as I was screaming. So much for using my singing voice. I don’t know for sure, but my poor family must have thought I was dying. My poor neighbors must have thought someone was killing me. Shoot, it felt like someone was killing me.
You see as I slipped down the stairs I did everything and anything to save my brand new full left hip replacement. As I look back on this, it might have been easier to have the new hip dislocated and replaced it into the socket than what I am going through right now. I grabbed the railing so tight it felt as if I crushed it, but I was moving so fast down the stairs that my hands yanked away from the railing and my right leg tucked under my behind. This would not be that bad, but then my ankle was crushed between the weight of my sudden moving fall and the edge of our open steps. Yes, my ankle sat half on the step and half on the edge of the step as I collapse on top of it.
My husband tried to get my leg from underneath me. But every time he touched me it sent searing pain through my leg and even up into my right hip. It was unbelievable. Of course, my husband called the ambulance and they came as soon as they possibly could be here. I hated the thought of being wheeled away in the ambulance. The emergency technicians asked me to stand up on my good leg so that they could put me on the Gurney, but I couldn’t even stand. It’d taken me the entire time that we waited for them to get my leg from underneath me because the pain was something I had never felt in my life. I had naturally birthed 2 kids and the pain of both of those births together could not compare! I am in so much pain I can barely breathe. My breathing is shallow and I can feel my ears are hot which means my blood pressure is HIGH!
In the emergency room, They didn’t have a room for me at first so I had to sit out in the lobby. After a lot of screaming, crying, and moaning, I think that they must have had some complaints from somebody because they’ve moved me into a room rather quickly. I could barely stand the pain it was so intense and they ended up giving me Dilaudid. Now I had Dilaudid when I was in the hospital for my hip and that stuff normally knocks me out Cold. I am OUT like a light bulb! But this time? No, not this time. This time it didn’t even calm me down. So much so that they came in and had to give me several shots over the course of being there because the pain was so intense. I don’t know what I did to my ankle but if this is what a break feels like, I don’t ever wanna do this again!
My husband tells me that my kids stayed home because they would not be allowed to be in the emergency room since they are underage and usually in the ER there are only 1 or 2 guests allowed at a time. However, my girlfriend Shannon came as soon as she heard! She stayed with me and Anthony in the emergency room for a little while. I actually do not even remember her leaving I was so out of it with all the drugs they kept pumping in me. I’m so glad she came. Her prayers and her sweet shining face along with my husband holding my hand the entire time really helped to get me through this. One of the nurses who did not speak very good English kept trying to move my foot from side to side. I kept trying to tell her she can’t do that and it was hurting, but she would just look at me with a blank stare. Well, needless to say, she kept doing it and I kept screaming until finally a doctor came in and snapped at the nurse for what she was doing and took over wrapping my ankle.
They said that they could not set my ankle and that all they could do was put a brace and a wrap on it until the swelling went down. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get through the next week or so. The pain that is shooting up my leg is unbearable. I can barely move whatsoever without searing pain. How am I going to go more than a day like this? How am I gonna get upstairs to my bed? How am I going to go to the bathroom? Man, I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring, but today is just about one of the worst days of my life right now. I’m lying here writing this because I can’t sleep due to the pain being so intense. Let’s hope tomorrow brings less pain and less swelling so I can get it casted fast because the little sticks and the ace bandage around my ankle is not cutting it.
On the way home from the ER my husband had a great idea. He and his good friend Jeff unassemble my bed and brought it downstairs into our living room so I don’t have to climb the stairs. Because honestly, I know there is no way I can walk less alone climb a flight of stairs!!!. I’m so thankful for this. Let’s just hope once I get the ankle cast that I don’t find out there is something wrong with my hip too.
_________________________________________________________________________ Wow, as I read this thru a couple times it brought me back to the pain. It is weird how we tend to forget how painful a situation was, kind of like childbirth. On a scale of 1-10 in pain level this day, I was at a 20. I do remember as I laid in that bed and my husband on the couch next to me that first night how I hardly slept. Not only was I in excruciating pain the entire night, even on Percoset. It was a miserable first night, well, and several nights after. I knew then and now that I would never wish any of the things I have gone thru on my worst enemy!
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
Life has to move on. Every time I go into our living room, even though the hospice bed is gone, I see her there. I walk around the house aimlessly looking for her. I go into her bedroom looking for her. I pick up her pajamas and just hold them close to my face because they smell like her. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was terrible hard when my dad died but this? This is ripping my heart out. I want my mommy! I am still not sure how this is ever going to feel better. I still see her face when I close my eyes. I still feel the pain of feeling like I did not do enough. I still feel like I was a horrible daughter. All the times I treated her poorly, all the times, I said harsh words, all the times I ignored her, made her feel bad, walked away, sassed back, or didn’t listen. they are all just ringing through my head. Every last one. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am over consumed with guilt and grief!
But I have to put on a strong and happy face because I had to start physical therapy today twice a week. My physical therapist is really nice. I’m thinking that I will get quite a bit from physical therapy. But the main thing is I must do the exercises at home as well as at the physical therapist. He really stressed that. I know me, I do not want to be a burden any longer than I have to so I will do them daily!
My friends and my choir from church have been bringing meals to us. I just don’t have the energy or the stamina to try to cook a meal, and although he tries, my husband much rather purchases fast-food meals than cook. Honestly, I’m getting tired of eating out! It’s been nice having home-cooked meals and not having to worry about clean up. I know that these feelings of sadness will eventually fade, but honestly, I don’t know if I deserve them to fade! I should have been there!
_________________________________________________________________________ As I’m transcribing my journal here on my blog I started crying. It’s years later that I’m transcribing my journal to this blog and yet as I read my journal and type it out here I find myself reliving these horrible feelings. I find myself visualizing the room, the bed, my mom’s face, and even her hand that I held as she passed. Yes, the feelings fade, yes it gets easier, but let’s be honest, we never forget! I still miss my mother and I still want my mommy back! I will say re-writing this and posting it is having a healing effect on me, even though now it has been several years. I also am hoping that if there are people out there feeling the same way that maybe, just maybe they can have a bit of relief knowing they are not alone.
My journey doesn’t end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine ”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
Even more beautiful as she aged. Somewhere very later 1960’s to early 1970’s
My Older sister, Julie, me, and my Mom. 1968
My mom and me. I was still a babe so maybe late 1967 early 1968.
1996 Dinner Date with Mom
Always Fun loving Mom. Her Birthday at Benihana
My Mom and dad 199?
We loved playing tricks on her. She found this on the counter…LOL 2013ish.
Two days before I leave her for my hip operation May 16, 2015
My June 7th 2015, Journal:
This morning I sat by my mom’s side the entire day. I barely ate or drink anything. My mother-in-law, my kids, my husband begging me to get up and walk, to eat, to drink, but I can’t. I just can’t. I am losing her and I cannot deal with this. I am not hungry, I don’t care about my hip. All I care about is getting my Mom back. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE!
The kids, Anthony, and Maggie are in and out of the living room all throughout the day trying to encourage me as well as visiting with Mommy. I can’t leave her side. I spent weeks in rehab not by her side, at the very least a daughter could do is to hold her hand as she passes away and ascends to be with Jesus. I know she’s going to pass today and I can’t let her do it without me holding her hand. I’m here for you Mommy. I Love you and I am so sorry I was not there for you these past few weeks. But I am here right now. Know you are loved so very much.
The evening has come and unfortunately, my mom has passed away. I was not looking at her, but I felt her squeeze my hand the moment she passed and I yelled out in terror to my family! A scream of physical pain is nothing compared to the scream of losing a person you love with every single inch of your being! But at least I held her hand the entire time. I do have to say it’s amazing how cold and stiff the body gets once the soul has left it. Even after she passed I could not let go of her hand.
I’m physically in pain from sitting all day long. I am parched and exhausted. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep but I have to wait for the Medical Coroner to come so i can sign papers. Plus every time I close my eyes, I see her. Not really her, but the her who just passed. Oh God, will that picture ever go away? I know I should do my physical therapy but I just couldn’t leave her side. I’m an emotional pain because I no longer have my mommy, my rehab partner, the one person who will love me no matter what. I don’t know how I’m going to move on without her. I know time will heal everything, but I want her for another Christmas, another birthday, another milestone in her grandchildren’s lives.
I am so thankful that God kept her here on Earth for five more days. I’m so glad she didn’t pass away while we were both in rehab. I still blame myself though. If only…..
This picture is from the day before she passed away.
My June 6, 2015, Journal:
My Mom is so bad off. I cannot stop crying. I cannot take of her alone. I don’t know what to do! We finally had to call hospice. I cannot help her in and out of bed nor help her to go to the bathroom without possibly sending myself back to the hospital. My mother-in-law and my husband are doing their best, but it is hard on them as well. This is waaaaay tooooo much to ask of them. She is my Mom and Ishould be the one to help her. We set up the hospital bed in the living room so she can be around us all the time. Oh My God, I cannot believe this is happening. God, please NO! I cannot face this right now. I am in so much physical pain and now my heart is tearing out of my flippin chest!!!
I’ve spent the entire day sitting in my living room with my mom in her hospice bed holding her hand and talking to her. Shoot I even turned on one of her soap operas! I know that she’s going home to be with God any day now. I still feel so responsible. This morning she was still able to talk to me and tell me how much she loved me but this evening there’s nothing. As I write in my journal I am filled with so much grief. I can hardly see the page. This is not how this was supposed to go! We presumed we were going to get better together. Share a huge life story together. Share the pain of recovery together. And now, all I want to do is crawl into bed again and never come out! She’s not eating or drinking and she’s somewhat unresponsive to my words. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her! Oh My God, I cannot see straight! I cannot do this. She is the only person who has ever been there for me for my whole life through all the abuse I took from my sister, the kids at school, molestation, and rape. Please God, Please make a miracle happen and give me my Mom back, PLEASE!!!!
_________________________________________________________________________ Wow, this was horrible to read and re-live. I had to actually stop for a little bit because I was sobbing so hard. Boy, I had forgotten the emptiness and the loneliness I felt during these few days coming home from the hospital after my surgery. there was such a feeling of despair and a huge chasm in my gut and heart. I felt like I was the worst daughter on earth. I had let my mom down! I promised her, when we cohabitated, that I would take care of her. I promised her I would never put her in a nursing home. I would be there for her like she had been there for me my entire life even through all the crap I dished out to her in my teenage years! I felt I had let my family down because they were having to do my job of taking care of her. When we moved in together with her I had exclaimed that I would be the one to take care of her. She was my mom, my responsibility and even though sometimes I would need help, I would not let it get in the way of raising my kids. And now, not only are they having to watch her die in front of their little faces, but having to change her, feed her, etc?
These were tough feelings I was dealing with. As a matter of fact, I did spend about 6 hours 1 day during this period in bed because I was so depressed and riddled with guilt I was unable to face my Mom or my family. Reliving these feelings, as I write it on this blog post, was very difficult. I found myself starting to get caught up in the guilt and depression again. So I had to stop and pray. I talked to God for a good 15 minutes and read a few passages and felt so much better and came back to write the ending remarks. I am so glad I did that because I could see myself falling back into those bleak feelings.
If you are going through something like this, please know it is OK to have all those feelings. It is OK, to be down, depressed, sad, etc. But it is NOT OK to stay there. Pray, talk, and work on not wallowing in it. Message me. I will pray with you or talk with you.
My journey does not end here. There is soooooo much more! If you want to read more about my journey, keep following. I will be posting more of my journals. All parts of my journal that are in italic are my current thoughts or additions, otherwise, everything else comes directly from the journal I was keeping at the time. I hope, if you know me personally, this gives you insight into what was really, truly going on every time you asked and I said “I’m Fine”. I also hope that for those of you who are going through something similar, this journal gives you hope that things do get better!
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